Has anyone told you “don’t bite off more than you can chew?” or “just learn to say no.” That is just about an impossibility for a people-pleaser like me.
Why?
Maybe it is because we ran a family General Store. My mom was so concerned about being a good neighbour, a good Christian, a good business-woman, that she over delivered at the expense of her family.
She had a heart of pure gold – but when you are only 10 years old, it is difficult to reason on her noble motives.
One time a neighbour was in need of a gift. We didn’t have anything in the store that would fit the bill. We had food, nuts and bolts, hardware, candy, but no pretty things. So, mom sold her the jewellery box she had in her bedroom…. which was given to her…… from me! So that was my role model ~ you’ll get over it ~ better to make other people happy!
Fast forward now to 1982
I was a new bride of one year and we were just counting down to our first vacation. It was the weekend before we left when we were at a big barbecue. It is well known that I sew and love to sew, and so friends approached me and explained there was a new young couple who moved here and were getting married the following weekend….and….she didn’t have a dress. There was no clothing store in town, and so would I please please sew one for her?
Now you know what it is like before you go away – you have so much to do, you wonder if it is really worth all this work? I was swamped! So my mind was say “NO, I can’t.” It was too much stress, so I said it, “no, I am sorry, I can’t because we are going away and I have too much to do.”
But it didn’t end there. They didn’t accept my no. “It won’t take you long. There is nothing for her to wear. There is nothing to buy in Hay River. We’ll help you.” I was sunk! So I conceded, I am a pushover.
Then it hit me like a brick…. we don’t even have a fabric store in Hay River! So, I spoke to her and arranged for her to come over Monday morning and we would call Edmonton to order the pattern and fabric.
Did I tell you I agreed to do it for $50
Monday morning we call and she brings the pattern number of the dress she wants…. it was no simple dress. SHE WANTED A TRAIN!!! For a small wedding…. in a house…..in Hay River. Again, the pushover I am, I didn’t say NO.
The fabric came on the plane Tuesday late afternoon and I stayed up half the night cutting and preparing. The smallest size pattern available was an 8 and she was a size 4. So, I started sewing Wednesday and I sewed around the clock for 3 days sleeping only in shorts spurts.
My family had to take care of themselves cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, packing and running our cleaning business. I sewed and ripped out and resewed again. I even made the million tiny buttons up the back and up the sleeves. I hand sewed lace flowers on the tulle train as we couldn’t afford to purchase that much lace. I even made her a headpiece and veil.
It was a huge task, a monumental achievement as I had never sewn for anyone else before, and she had nooooo idea the sacrifice it was on my part.
So, being a people-pleaser has been a challenge for me over the years. To learn to give when I can give willing from my heart, and to learn to say no without feeling selfish.
Are we selfish when we say no?
Let’s say someone asks a favour of you, but it falls on your day off when you planned on doing nothing. When you weren’t even going to get dressed. Are you selfish if you say NO to do NOTHING?
I know what my answer is. One of the essentials of life is knowing when to say NO! But you can’t say no! You say “it’s impossible!” And never ever give the reason why. Who can argue with impossible?
Oh, and here is the $50 Wedding Dress.
Elvie Look: Your Professional Organizing Coach who is helping people get organized with her easy tips and suggestions. These systems help the busy mom, businessman or woman, entrepreneur or student learn the keys to organizing in simple, actionable and manageable steps. She teaches how to get organized and maintain your organized space while carrying on your normal busy life. She is the author of "21 Steps From Chaos To Calm.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Really enjoyed your story. Yes it is hard to say no. I like that – say “impossible.”
Oh my goodness!! That was incredibly generous of you! In my younger years, I would have done the same (not with sewing of course – I never was all that talented in that department), but slowly, over the years, I’ve learned to say ‘no’. Then, if I can, I come up with another solution. Not perfect, but getting there. I LOVE the idea of ‘it’s just not possible’. Another one I heard recently was ‘Let me check my schedule, and I’ll get back to you…” For those of us who love to help, these little tips are so helpful. Thank you!
I love that “I’ll check my schedule.” Or I have another one… “I’ll send Ken right over!” (my hubby) LOL Thanks so much for leaving your comments, love them!
Oh Elvie, so many of us can relate to the people-pleaser role! And that wedding dress – it looks like it took every bit as much time and effort as you describe because it’s gorgeous! Very intricately designed… I love how Sandi teaches not to fall into this trap of underselling ourselves, of saying no to the urgent so we can say yes to our purpose and vision… we’ve all come so far, thanks to a good role model! How heart-breaking to have seen your mom sell your special gift…. I can’t even begin to imagine! Thank you for sharing your story
I love that “I’ll check my schedule.” Or I have another one… “I’ll send Ken right over!” (my hubby) LOL Thanks so much for leaving your comments, love them!
It is hard to say no, even after all these years. But I have learned my limitations. Yes, I really appreciate Sandi’s coaching. Thank you so much for coming by and leaving your comments. The new friends and acquaintances I have made in the past 7 months are invaluable.
Elvie, I know a young woman who designed and sewed her own tres chic wedding dress for just a few dollars- so impressive! What a great skill-
Wow! Designed it too? Double Wow. I would love to learn how to measure someone and draft the pattern. What a skill and art.
Thank you for leaving your paw prints Bailey. I bet your mommy can’t say no to you… too adorable!
Oh My Goodness!!! Elvie – that dress is such a work of ART!!! I hope that dear bride loved it sooo much!! I do appreciate your advice and I too find it hard to say No when it is taxing my body — but I must say I am getting better at it!! Your sis Doris